The proud parents vs the humble progenitors

One thing I will never get used to is how parents in America brag about their children.

This week I was shown around by a woman who spent forty-five minutes telling me how popular, athletic, intelligent, and hard-working her son and daughter were.

"P makes straight A's," she said. "She's extremely talented. All of her teachers just love her. She has her sights on Harvard, Yale and Columbia."

"That's great, she must be very bright," I said, "but it is very competitive, isn't it? After all, every school in the United States must have straight-A students."

"Well, I suppose that's true," she said. "But we also can play the diversity card. She's part [name of ethnic group] and does [ethnic activity]. And of course, her father is very intellectual. He went to [foreign university]. And I'm a lawyer. I got in to law school everywhere, but I chose [local school] because law is so local. I don't practice any more, but I don't miss it. It's more fun to spend time with my children. P is my best friend. I'm so lucky she adores her brother. He's an excellent athlete so he doesn't always have time for his work, but fortunately his teachers see how bright he is and don't mind."

I let my thoughts drift back to my British friends, who love their children just as much, of course. "Harriet is so thick, you have to hit her with a plank for a thought to penetrate," one would say.

"That's nothing to Milo, he thought the four seasons were salt, pepper, mustard and soy sauce," another would say.

"God help the country when this bunch grows up," said a third. "Mind you, we were even stupider at their age."

Once I read an article that explained that Americans feel they do not own their children, but just luckily happen to know them; therefore it is all right to talk about their prowess. People in most other cultures feel their children are an extension of themselves, and it is unseemly to brag about yourself and your belongings. I think there is a grain of truth to this.

I longed to tell the woman that all American kids seem to make straight A's. I don't think I even know any who don't.

Comments

[Sabrina]

My parents never lionized their children, but this may be rooted in the fact that they are bizarrely unAmerican.

Most American children aren't even reading at grade level. These parents are deluded.

This post is hilariously wonderful. I enjoy your insights on this blog.

[isabella]

Spot on!!!

[Camille]

I read your post earlier tonight and then read this article about praising kids:
http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/
(it's not exactly what you're talking about but it's related)
Thank you for your blog
Camille

[Maitresse]

I didn't. Make straight A's, I mean. Bt that didn't stop my parent from bragging about my musical talents...

I think your observation is correct, but I think perhaps there is a rampant desensitization to the fact that other people might not, in fact, care about what your kid is doing. But maybe that's just my misanthropic streak rearing its ugly head.

[blueVicar]

I thought perhaps the punchline was going to be that the child of the bragging mama was only 6 years old. Parents in America plan early--really early--for that all important college admission.

I met a mom on a recent return whose daughter was in 8th grade, had straight As, but was developing an interest in boys. The mom was incensed that her daughter had not developed a passion--like violin or gymnastics or poetry. I was afraid to suggest that perhaps her daughter was developing a passion...and he sat in the next desk. But I too held my tongue.

Meilleurs voeux!!

[Anna]

Sedulia:
You are so right with this post - I actually laughed out loud. Living in the States for a couple of years (I'm British), I was always amazed to witness this lauding of children (almost praising them for breathing!). In Britain, people compete to play down any sign of ability - if they started boasting there would be much eye-rolling and sniggering. Maitresse - I think it's true that the british aren't really interested in other people's children. Parents often apologise before telling you something about their off-spring! However, I think there is a recognition here that American children are highly self-confident and have high self-esteem - and that there needs to be a balance struck.

I enjoy your blog a lot! - I find it intelligent, insightful and entertaining - particularly as I am a keen observer of the differences between American and British/European cultures.
Anna.

[Peggy]

Yes, another distressing facet of modern American life. I don't really agree, however, that American parents (unlike others) don't feel their children are an extension of themselves. It is exactly the opposite--tremendous over-identification with the investment, oops, I mean the offspring, and a worrisome rise in over-involvement on the part of both parents, mother and father. Indeed, it's almost as if parents compete with one another to see who's the better parent. Dominique Moïse once remarked on how boastful Americans are as opposed to the British, who tend to be self-effacing and understate their talents. He used a wonderful example: An American who had taken a year of high-school French would say he (or she) was fluent in the language, whereas a former Wimbledon champ from the UK might admit under duress that he (or she) had played a little tennis. A Canadian friend of mine has also observed the tendency of Americans to brag about everything. If they have kids, then they have one more thing to crow about. Think about it: does any other nation on earth uphold the tradition of the annual Christmas Letter, in which bragging is not just recommended, it is required.